Hi all,
Sorry for my delay in getting this update out. As you by now most probably already know, I've been given the all clear. So this adventure of 15 months or so is finally over. And boy, what an adventure it has been.
The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that I have been putting this final update off. Not only, because I hate goodbyes, but also because I am not sure I am feeling how I should be feeling or am expected by others to be feeling. If you get me?
The thing is I have felt fine since about August. When I went with the girlies to France and realised all the food I had been accumulating with no regard to calorie consumption had crept up on me and I was chubby. It was a fine, healthy chubby, as I felt whatever had been inside me eating up all my energy had gone. I felt I was cancer free. But nonetheless, this was not a chubby that was welcome chez Emma. So I took control, and with some self discipline I lost around 5kgs and felt fantastic. I have put it all on over Christmas (thanks Fay!) but it was very worth it. So my headspace was pretty sure that, even without The Word of Prof Bower, I was on the mend. I was back at work full-time, back to nagging Simon full-time, everything was back to normal. So when Prof Bower, said those immortal words or words of my immortality (or not quite which I will explain later), it was wonderful. We cried, we laughed, we hugged, we kissed, we ran to Eight over Eight and we drank champagne. We were all very happy and very relieved but deep down, we were not surprised. It wasn't the happiest day of my life, because it wasn't. I can't explain it. I wish I could. I should have been. But perhaps because our worlds had been normal for so long that it just felt as though they weren't telling us anything we didn't already know.
To be honest, I am happy. Happy for Simon, my family and my friends who have been through all of this with me, how could I not be?, but I am also a little lost. For 15 months I have had this cluster of abnormal cells that have come into my life and turned it all around. It gave me get-out-of-jail free cards, it gave me focus and it gave me a reason to be strong and brave, whether it was conscious or not, and now as that cluster has gone, so has that purpose. Please don't get me wrong and feel that I am pining for my ill health or missing my daily sunbeds and monthly poison doses, because I am not. I am definitely not. But they do say this is the hardest time, and now I understand why. It's the storm after the lull after the storm. I could have omitted this paragraph from my update and you would have been none the wiser of my state of mind, but my updates have always been honest and this is all a part of the journey. A journey that you have taken with me, so I feel it would seem patronising to gloss over the harder times. I am fine and I will be fine and I know that. I just have a little more of an unexpected uphill journey before I reach there.
Alas, I don't want to leave this final update on such a sombre note, as that would be very un-Hollywood-like of me and I don't think I have finished off adventures in Australia Part II so here goes:
The last time I wrote, I had been living it large with Simon, his sister Caroline and her boyfriend Mark. We had a great time in Melbourne being wined and dined, and the good times carried onto Noosa, where we were treated like Kate and Wills, parties thrown in our honour, wined and dined in expensive restaurants, a day trip multi-million dollar boat (and driving it hey Captain Simon!) with dolphins thrown in for our pleasure, being ferried around in Limos, Champagne on tap, Gondola rides, 2 days on Fraser Island, Business Class return. It was absolutely magical. It truly was. It is a great credit to mum and dad, that they can live in a place for 4 months of the year and accumulate such a special network around them of such lovely and generous people. I know I am gushing but it was thanks to these people, Mark and Caz, Mum and Dad that we literally had the 3 weeks of a lifetime. Plus I have to keep them sweet if all this pampering is to continue now I am well! Pics to follow.
We then came back to London, work and life which was all sparkly and rose tinted and fell straight into a PET scan and the results. It was obviously a very anxious time for us. Coming from the daughter of a therapist, I talk about everything. I couldn't talk about this. I refused. It worked well as Simon didn't seem to want to either. Although my chat up there was about how I knew I was better, of course, I am a newbie in all this. I hoped and wanted and wished and knew I was. But I didn't know, know. What if I was wrong? What if I had to go through this all again? What if I had to go through Stem Cell Treatment? Then that would have to be a whole new plan of action for my fertility, for work, for Simon, for Mum and Dad and their travelling, for Amy and Sam, for my fitness, for my future plans, for everything. It wouldn't be over. It would be starting again. So you see why I didn't want to open up that conversation for discussion.
So Mum, Dad (who had flown in especially) and Simon went along to the hospital, and waited for our fate. And waited. And waited. When we saw Bower, ever the charmer, he picked up a magazine and started reading. That's fine, you may think, New Scientist or Cancer Treaters Digest, no flipping HELLO magazine. We paused holding our breaths waiting for him to lower his magazine and disclose my results. We waited. And waited. "Bower....Bower....BOWER....please do this like a bandaid- quick and painless" I begged. Lowering the magazine, "OOOOOooo I forgot to ask you about Australia. How was it?" I started to cry and he realised he was being a bit cruel. "Please Bower, I don't have the strength if this is going to be bad news". I wish I could paraphrase his next speech but I honestly have no idea what he said. Something about a place in France...then something about grading cancer....then something like "it's the same as it was last time". Okay. Fine. So what did this mean? We searched each other's faces, hoping someone had heard something the other had missed. Thankfully my super- chemo nurse Shauna was in the room and when we looked over to her for translation, our eyes meet with her teary ones, a big smile and nodding of the head. It was good news. Thank God for her otherwise this story would be a lot longer and very painful. The scan showed the same as the previous one, but as the time frame was longer, the news turned from inconclusive to good. I was in remission. A phrase I texted my friends, and basically everyone on my phone, which some had to look up to see whether this meant good or bad news before clicking back their replies. More champagne was had that day and I was taken for a yummy dinner with my beloved. I basically then didn't stop drinking for 10 days thanks to Christmas parties and celebratory bubbles wherever we went. My 10 day bender ended in a couple of migraines which I have never had before, but it was very worth it. I think my body had finally given up on me. Bloody hell! 15 months of poison, it survives and 10 days on alcohol it shuts down! Who'd have thunk it!
So now where do we stand? Basically wherever I want to now. Australia came with lots of conversations. Simon and I chatted about the future and what we wanted. Sorry to those who had placed bets on a Australian proposal but I said that I didn't want "no pity proposal". He had to wait until I was healthy as if he was going to marry me, he was in it for the long haul not just because I was going to croak it! I know what you are thinking, Simon is a lucky man! So our plans for extended travelling may be put on hold for a little while, but we are realised how important holidays are, for resting and recuperating and gaining that elusive perspective. So our plans are many. Lots of trips to Europe on our doorstep, perhaps a 3-weeker to India and of course a Christmas in Australia. Lots to look forward to. Also, after an introduction by a lovely family friend, there is a chance that "Taurus not Cancer" might be published. It's not going to be an easy ride but as my new year's resolution word is "PERSISTENCE", I hope by this time next year for you all to be reading this in book-form. Or Kindle. Either way. Okay it may take a little while longer than that, but my 3 monthly meetings with Bower, will also mean I turn in a couple of chapters into him and he adds his contribution in which will be the medical bit- why he did what he did and chose what he chose for me and my treatment. A different perspective and perhaps the USP (unique selling point). See I am already an author with this lingo.
So I think it is safe to say that this will be the last email, I will perhaps keep going on the blog but as it has taken 2 months for this one to be written, I wouldn't hold your breath. I don't need to say thanks to everyone for their love and support to me and my family because you should already know by now as I have said it enough times. It will be forever in my heart and I know in my family's as well.
So for the last time (you know I love the drama).
Lots of love and hugs and kisses
Em
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